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A Love Letter To Tina Marie
Dear Tina Marie, Do you remember the light your Granny Rosie talked about that you have? The light of reason, the light of understanding, the light of kindness, the light of a heart of gold, and the light of unconditional love? Over the years, this light we speak of struggled to stay bright within you because of the people surrounding it. But you, Tina Marie, have shown remarkable resilience, doing the internal work to clear the path for the better so your light would not burn out, your passion would not die, and your purpose would not fade. Yet the journey has had severe roadblocks. As a teenager, these roadblocks made you question your purpose and existence. It made you constantly wonder when you will ever be able to live a life that you love without pain, fear, anger, stress, cold, health issues, and resentment. These roadblocks, triggers, and unfortunate life experiences caused you to operate in survival mode for over 30 years. Tina Marie, I realize survival mode is not healthy. It keeps one on edge, guarded, and fearing the worst. That's how you navigated as a little girl and throughout life because your heart constantly fought through hurt. Did you know you had a shoebox of HURT? This shoebox is not just a physical container but a metaphor for our emotional baggage. It's filled with pictures of former friends and family who showed what one-sided relationships meant, pictures of former lovers who only wanted you as arm candy or for your pocketbook, photos of places and things that traumatized you, and screenshots of moments of slander from individuals you wouldn't have expected to turn on you. These are not just pictures, Tina Marie; they are the scars of our past and the wounds we carry daily. As I went through the shoebox, I felt our shared pain. I remember you, the little girl whose creative talents in the written word, visual arts, intellect, and compassion helped you mask the pain, or so you thought. You were the teenager who was a shoulder for everyone to lean on and the adult who gave her last while none of those people were there when you hit rock bottom. I understand, Tina Marie because our experiences are intertwined. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt you; it continued to pull us both. Tina Marie, our tears have been intertwined for 30+ years, praying for peace, real people, real love, and better life experiences. Our hearts have been on a quest to find inner forgiveness and have the courage to no longer look back. This courage and forgiveness are not just aspirations, Tina Marie; they are within us, waiting for embracement. I am still protecting you because we have been through the trenches emotionally, mentally, and physically. We can no longer be engulfed in the pain of the past because it paralyzes our present, purpose, and future. Tina Marie, we deserve the love, fulfillment, and abundance that we pour and pray into others. It is our time to thrive, shine, be truly happy, and become the best version of Martina. This book is my love letter of transparency and wisdom behind the scenes of our rebirth. It heals us, inspires those reading, and becomes another enlightening road map for our continued rebuilding of the mind, body, life, and soul. Remember, Tina Marie, we are on this journey together, supporting each other every step of the way. Your's Truly, MC🌹
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The woman in the mirror
As an adult, I’ve realized relationships from every walk of life can make or break you: relationships with your family, friends, teachers, children, managers, colleagues, business partners, and significant others. You can learn many things to push you forward or keep you on a path toward nowhere. Relationships shape you and teach you something about life, most notably yourself, that no one else can. But it’s up to you to pay attention to what you are telling yourself, what you are keeping around, the things you emphasize more, and the people you are better off without. I always tell people one of my favorite sermons is from Bishop TD Jakes. “There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.” I started channeling Bishop TD. Jake’s words and Mrs. Child’s examples into daily affirmations I recited aloud, to myself, and by myself when looking in the bathroom mirror every morning. Affirmations are positive words and phrases that you can repeat daily to retrain your mind, body, and spirit for the better. The affirmations resonated, spoke volumes, and brought the terms “forgiveness” and “let it go” to the forefront of every aspect of my experiences. I began to feel a shift that caused me to let go and walk away from people and things that were no longer healthy for me. Of course, many didn’t like the change, and I honestly didn’t care because I spent too much time carrying baggage that needed to be dropped. Mystery Diagnosis
Iremember three years of my life feeling like I was in a tunnel with no escape route, opening my eyes always in a hospital bed, not understanding what led me to it or suggestions releasing doctors’ mouths. Waking up and not getting back to sleep due to pains, aches, worries, and troublesome thoughts. People revealing their true colors, discovering my body was thinner than usual, feeling like I wasn’t myself, trying to hold on to faith, but even that was a stretch, and some nights wondering if I was better off dead. I hated that my mom, sisters, and I witnessed, endured, and lived through it. No one knew how to help me, heal me, or get to the root of what was damaging my health and sanity. It got worse before it got better. I was crying out for better answers. I felt like my doctors were opening up a dictionary rambling around words, ideas, and phrases instead of just saying they didn’t know how to resolve it. My hidden strength, family observations, research, and faith kept me on the path of remaining here. But I couldn’t stop wondering if I would ever get answers to what had been happening physically andmentally for such a long period. One of my first symptoms was panic attacks. My chest would tighten up, and airwaves clogged, I became hot, drenched in sweat, lose balance, blackout, waking up in a hospital bed. My doctors would run numerous tests concluding that I could be a borderline diabetic. I agreed it could be signs of diabetes because the trait ran through my family. So the doctors instructed me to lay off sugar-sweetened beverages, eat more fruit, drink more water, and get plenty of rest; until they tested me again. Directly after the hospital visit, another attack came. I was at school in French class, looking up and down at the chalkboard taking notes on how to greet someone in France. The chalkboard looked as if it wasn’t directly in front of me, my vision started getting blurry, followed by a migraine, and then sweats came. I asked my teacher if I could be excused for a sip of water. She stated that I could. I tried to stand up to walk out of the classroom, but I went sideways towards a closet. I started panting, blacked out, with me awakening in the hospital. My friend Tory had come to see me and told me how afraid he was. He said when I fell; I hit my head against the closet metal pole. Our teacher had tried to wake me up, but I wouldn’t move. “Tina, I thought you were gone.” |
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